My thoughts......beware......

Dear Lord,

I have no fancy words, no flowery phrases to offer You. So I give You me, all of me, and all of who I am. I pray thank you for all of Your love, Your goodness, and what You have trusted to me. I thank You for my family, their love, and the help they give me. I thank You for my education and my freedom to do the things that You wish for me to do. I thank You for my talents, although I am not quite sure what they are or how to use them for You. I thank You for the incredible people that You have put into my life. I thank You for the inspiration that Your Word and the beauty of this earth gives me. I thank You for my life and I hope that You will use me for Your glory. Make it clear to me so that I will not miss what You want from me.
I pray for those I care about. I pray for Alex that she will conquer everything that Satan puts in her way. Be with her, keep her strong, and keep her safe. I pray that You will bless her and her family with everything that I ask for my family. Keep her spirits high, so that she can smile everyday. I pray for Liz. Keep her comforted while she is here and away from her family. Keep her safe from those things that try to hurt her. I pray for Lauren. Keep her and Adam together. Let their love grow into everything that those in love aspire to achieve. I pray for Jenny. Keep her strong in mind and emotion. Help her to look ahead into her life and keep her faith high for You. I pray for Franny and Jason. If it is Your will, keep them together. Keep their love for You and each other strong. I pray that Franny continues in her music and finds her place. I pray that Jason runs full strength for You and achieves everything that You want him to achieve. I pray for Kenny. I pray that You keep him well. I pray that You comfort him in everything and heal his emotional wounds. I pray that he finds what he is looking for in life. I pray that he is happy in the end and wins everything that he fights for. Most of all, I pray that he finds love. I pray that he will know that people love him for everything he is and everything he isn't. I pray for Jonathan Dittmar. I pray that You keep him safe and help him in his journey to find You. I pray that You would open his heart to You. I pray that I will one day see him in heaven. I pray for all of those people here at school that care about me, that I also care about. Keep them all safe and comfort them in their times of need.

I pray for my life Lord. I pray that You keep me strong in You. I pray that You will help me through the difficult times when I don't know what to say. I pray that You will show me where to go when I am lost. I pray that You will help me endure this world and the hatred and sin that is in it. I pray that You forgive me for all my failures. I pray that You help me through every trial Satan puts in my way.

I love You Lord. I thank you for all that You do and all that You give. All the glory is Yours. Thank You for making the ultimate sacrifice so that I may spend eternal life with You in Your kingdom.

Amen


Peace.

Yeah. What a day. I went to Philosophy, skipped Chemistry, and then went to Speech and got a 64% on my test. So then I come back and go to the basketball game with Jason and Tiffany and them. It was fun. I had forgotten how much fun it was to watch basketball. Jason makes it even more fun. He is hilarious. Me and Jason were starving so we left the game early and caught a ride back with Tiffany. We went over to the marketplace and got some pizza, fries, and a corn dog. Good stuff. Yeah, so then Franny and her Jason come back and aggravate me. They are so goofy. I have so much stuff I need to do tomorrow. I need to go to the gym (or get some diet pills), do some laundry, do homework, get a life, ect. Just so much stuff. And me and Alex have to go and find a place to live tomorrow. Ugh. What is a girl to do? I am working on a new song. Not anything religious this time, just about someone I care about. It is always nice to write about people you care about, it seems to just come so easy. I am really worried about my brother, Matt. He hasn't returned any of my phone calls. He is going through a rough time and I really miss him. *sigh* I hope to see him this weekend. I have come to the conclusion that guys are totally confusing and I will never understand their weirdness. That was my revelation for the day.

I found this quote and I think it has much value. Think about this quote when you are talking to someone. Listen to their advice and their words of wisdom and think of how it might reflect their life.

"Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness. ....Were it otherwise he would never have been able find those words."
R.M. Rilke

Peace.

It is 1:25am. I am just sitting here, wondering about stuff. I had a slow day. The best part of my day was eating dinner with Jason at the marketplace. He is such a cool guy. We were eating and we decided to go get some pizza. So we get up and leave our stuff on the table. Then we come back and a lady is clearing off all of our stuff!! Jason is like "Wait, no!" The lady turns around and has everything stacked and says "Oh, do you want this?" I tried so hard not to laugh. Jason says "No, it's ok." Awww...he sounded so sad. We just sat there and ate our pizza, but then we were really thirsty. So Jason, being the cool guy that he is, gets up and goes to get us a drink. Then it was off to Bible Study. Then it was One Tree Hill on the WB. Alex is obsessed with that show and now I think she has me hooked!! They were making fun of me and relating my life to those of the people on the show. I didn't see the connection but apparently they did. After a while I decided to go for a walk. I wanted to see the stars and stuff. So I walk outside and it is sooooo cold. On top of that...no stars. :( Yeah, what a great day. I need advice but I don't know exactly who to ask. Well, I do know who to ask. I pray about it and stuff but I don't seem to be getting an answer and patience is not one of my strong virtues. *sigh* I think I need to stop being such a baby and just learn to deal with life and the crap that comes with it.

Peace.

This is my latest song. I think this is one of my best. Hope you like. Give me some feedback....chickatc@netscape.net

All of Me
I can't feel your face
but I can feel you in my heart
And I can't see you in this place
but I know you're not very far
I can't hear your words
but I know you're speaking to me
I know there is more beyond this world
and so I give you all of me

All of me
I give you all my life
all my soul
All of me
So do with it what you'd like
because I give you all of me

I can't see your plan
but I trust you with everything
And I am only a simple man
singing praises to my King
I don't have much to give
so I'll give you everything
While I am here, for you I will live
and I will give you all of me

All of me
I give you all my life
all my soul
All of me
So do with it what you'd like
because I give you all of me

All of me
All of me
I give you all of me
Please take my life Lord and use it for your work
Make me your servant here on this earth
and use all of me

All of me
I give you all my life
all my soul
All of me
So do with it what you'd like
because I give you all of me

I can't feel your face
but I can feel you in my heart

So that is the latest. It is coming along. I like more everytime I sing it.

Have you ever met someone that you really didn't like at first but then realized that they are probably one of the coolest and nicest people that you have ever known? Yeah...how about that huh?

Peace.

Yesterday I spent the last part of the day with my parents. We went and looked at an apartment, went shopping, and then had dinner together. It was nice to spend time with them. Then it was volleyball!! Woo hoo! It was fun, but I didn't feel that great. Then me and Tiff collided and I think I broke my toe. It really hurts. It is a range of colors too. Purple, blue, and some red. So that was last night. This morning I went to church with Monte, Kenny, and Emily. I liked it there. The pastor reminded me of my pastor and youth pastor back home. Now I am going to take a long nap and then take Lauren to a Yoga thing. I have homework too, but I will take care of that later.

Here are a few tips for those, or that one person, that needs them:
1. When you serve the ball, keep it in bounds and try not to kill anyone...sheesh.
2. Don't put my volleyball into the pool...that isn't cool.
3. Don't wear a sweater and then tell me that I am going to be cold when you haven't even checked the weather or walked outside....duh!
4. When you walk into church, turn your cell phone off....ok?
5. Believe me you are rarely in my head...and when you are...it isn't because you are "so cool." ;)
6. Don't ever change who you are for anyone. You are alright just the way you are.

Peace.

It's Saturday!! Woo hoo!! Yesterday was a fun day. Matt came over from USF and hung out with me and some of my friends. Me and Franny had a jam session...it totally rocked. I am finally getting this whole guitar thing...I think. My newest song "All of Me" is sounding more and more awesome everytime we play it. I am glad that me and Franny have a connection and it being music makes it even more fun. Then it was off to UNO's to have dinner with Alex's family. Me, Ethan, and Liz all went. It was very cool. Alex parents are very nice and I was glad that I got to finally meet them. After dinner we went to see Along Came Polly. Me, Matt, Jason, Jenni, and Ryan all went together. It was a gross but funny movie. We had to sit in the very front row of the theatre. I had never sat in the front row before so that was an experience. I don't think I liked it. My parents are on their way right now. I can't wait to see them.. I think I have the best parents in the entire world. They aren't bringing Emily, Alice, and Jared though. I wish they were cause I want to see them too. I miss them alot.
Special thanks to Ethan for the two cd's and for thinking about me at CRAVE...the yellow paper. That was really nice of you. Thanks to Alex for just being awesome. You are a great friend and I am glad to have met you. Lauren...you rock! :) You are one of the sweetest people I know. Liz...you are the smartest person I know. Go country music! Jenni L: Hang in there. It will work out in the end. Keep looking straight ahead. We are here if you need us. Franny, thanks for the awesome guitar tips and the help with my song. I am having a blast! Manny...we are going to fight! ;) Biggest thanks goes to God. To Him be the glory. He has never let me down and He never will. He is more awesome than I will ever know. I am struggling but I know He is there and that gives me more comfort than anything else in the world.

To the person that has listened everytime I wanted to talk: You are special, awesome, and totally cool. Do what you feel you need to do. God is there, you know that. Don't be afraid of what is or isn't. I am always here if you want to talk, vent, or even cry. I am here. Thanks for listening to me.

Peace.

I have learned something today:I want music. I love music and I want music to always be in my life. Just because I want music doesn't mean that God wants me there too. So I guess that is my problem. Where does God want me? I guess I will just have to wait and see where He sends me. Hopefully wherever He sends me will have music.
I am getting better on my guitar. I like to just sit and play it but I get frustrated when I can't play what I want. It is so mind recking when I know exactly what I want for a song but I can't play it. I have 12 songs...and I can sing them all and I know exactly what I want for them...but I can't write the music. I guess I should just have patience and thank God for the talent He has given me. If it is His will, it will come. I just pray it is His will...because I really want it. :) I grabbed a flyer from the MAP building. It had a phone number for auditions for a new Christian singing group. I don't think that is what He wants...but I am not sure why it caught my attention either. I am also scared to death to audition with my voice. I have never done it before. I have been to plenty of auditions, but I have never had to sing for anyone. I will just continue to pray.
Ok. Guys are really funny. Especially one in particular who said this: gotta jump in the shower...be out about 5 sat afternoon. He knows who he is. LOL...I thought that was pretty great. Another guy is pretty special. We discovered that we have alot in common. And this what I had to say to him: I trust you because I felt different with you, I felt more courage with you, I felt like I couldn't fall with you, and that has to mean something. He is an awesome guy and I hope he never forgets that.
Alex is a pretty cool person. She had a bad day today. She made a few mistakes...and they made her mad. But we all love her anyway. She shouldn't worry about them so much. They can all be fixed and they didn't ruin her life. She is still cool and we all still want to be her friend. So Alex...don't worry about it!
My mom is the greatest mom in the world. She is really awesome. She has done so much for me. She is always there and ready. She is the best.

That's all. Peace.

Where is my life going? Am I taking the right path? Why am I so hesitant to take a different road? Why am I scared that everything will hurt me? Why am I so scared of being hurt? These questions won't leave my mind. I ponder them and wonder their answers until I have a headache. Another question: Is love worth getting hurt over? I am not sure. I don't think I have ever been in love. So as of right now I would say no, it is not worth it. But what am I missing out on? Is it something so wonderful that getting hurt doesn't matter? I don't know. I am not sure that I will ever know. How can someone love you if you don't allow them to see who you are? If you hide from everyone, then no one will ever fall in love with you. They will fall in love with the person that you want them to see. Do you want to be that person for the rest of your life? Can you live like that? Open up to people. Let people see who you really are. Let someone fall in love with you.

Peace.

I had a pretty boring day today. Went to class. Did some boring homework. Wrote some stuff. The highlight of my day was talking to Manny and seeing James. I have Bible study tonight for the first time so I am a little excited about that. And then I think we are going Ethan's house to check out his new guitar. I am so jealous. LOL. We might all go catch a movie....who knows. I just finished helping Franny pick out an outfit for her little date with Jason tonight. It is weird that I help her because I don't think I have much fashion sense or style. But she seemed to like what I picked out...she just walked out the door wearing it. Lately I have been wondering if I am doing what God wants me too with my life. I thought that athletic training was what He wanted. He opened alot of doors for me. So I walked through them. Now I have been writing alot and many people like my poems and songs. But I am not sure if it is something I should persue. I am not sure if God is telling me something through my writings. I am so confused right now. I am too scared to venture out. I want to stay in my own place where I know what I am doing, but I know that if God wants me somewhere else I need not to be afraid. I know He will be there with me and He will not abandon me. I hope that I realize my calling soon...it is giving me a headache not knowing. I guess for now I will pray that He sends me some kind of sign or message or opportunity that will lead me into the direction he wants. Peace.

Well, today is Monday and there was no school. Woo Hoo! Alex and Lauren took me to Island of Adventure for my birthday gift. I had an awesome time. I am sooooo happy that I met those two here at school. I think they are my two best friends here. We went on everything we could. We laughed alot too, but that is normal when it is the three of us. It was a wonderful birthday gift...smooches to them both! *muah*

I had a nice weekend at home. It was busy, but nice. Friday night I went to my sisters' soccer game over in Lake Placid. Yeah, I almost got kicked out. Hehe. I guess the ref didn't like my comments. Oh well. Then Saturday was a fun filled day at a garage sale. Good times with my little brother and his goofy friends. It was def an interesting day. Then I had to deliver my brother's friend, Danny, to his surprise birthday party. It was my birthday weekend and I had to take another kid to his party. What is up with that?! LOL. It was cool. It was nice to see my parents and stuff. I went to a party Saturday night. Not a regular house party. This was out in the woods with trucks, a bar-b-q, a ton of alcohol, a couple four wheelers, a flat bed trailer for dancing, a huge bon fire, and alot of country people. I had an awesome time. I got to hang out with my cousin and his crazy friends. Then Sunday it was church, good ol'e church, and lunch with some friends. Then shopping with my mom and a long two hour ride back to school. Just me and the radio. Not so good times. I hate driving that long by myself.

Manny is a cool person. I wish I could see him more. He is incredibly nice and sincere. I like talking to him. But I wish I knew what was wrong. I wish he could talk to me. I talk to him and he listens and gives me great advice, but I really wish I could do the same for him. I don't know what is hurting him but I wish I could help. :(

Kenny is a pretty cool guy too. Him and Jason are great. Jason is funny. He looks at things and laughs. I like that. He makes me look at things a little different and then I laugh cause I see what he sees. It's great. Kenny doesn't like to talk. He likes to listen, which is cool. It is always nice to have somebody listen but sometimes you just want somebody to stop you from talking so you can just listen. Maybe he will one day when he gets tired of my whining. Kenny is alot different than what I thought. He is alot more sincere I guess. I think I have alot to learn about him.

Well, I could write about a lot of other people but I don't really want to right now. Maybe tomorrow.

Peace.

Well, yesterday was my 19th birthday. It was a pretty good day. I had lunch with Alex at the California Pizza Kitchen. Took a wonderful nap. Went to CRAVE....good times. Then it was off to Cowboys for a night of linedancing fun!! It was very cool. Alex even went with us. I think she liked it. ;) Lauren and Jenny even got me a cool birthday card and a bobbing head diva for my car. It is soooo cool. So that was my day. Thank you to everybody that sent me a Happy Birthday message and thanks to my wonderful Alex, Lauren, Liz, Jenny, and Franny for being the coolest people. I had a great day! Woo Hoo! Now I am about to take another nap. Then pack some stuff to go home and be on my way. I shall see you guys Sunday night!! Peace.

Well, this is my first time writing in anything like this. This is interesting. So far today has been ok I guess. I woke up at 7:30am...and then went back to sleep. I woke up again at 9am just in time to throw on clothes and run to philosophy class at 9:30am. I didn't feel that great this morning so I skipped chemistry class....I know, I know....bad student. Then I talked to my good friend Ethan for a few. And you know what was next? A NAP!! WOO HOO!! It was pretty great. Now I am thinking about what I should write for my speech. I am thinking about writing how my parents family's background and size has affected our family. I could talk about our dinner table, our living arrangements, and how our family gets along as sub topics. Wow...I like that. I think I will use that. Not much that is too exciting is going on in my life at the moment. I live a pretty boring life I guess. Me and Alex are still looking for an apartment for next year. I think we are going to end up living at Jefferson Lofts which is cool with me. I am excited about living with her. She is a great girl. I guess that is all I have to write about. Just pray for me and my sanity...seriously. Peace.