My thoughts......beware......

I am so confused. I am confused about my life, the way I feel, and where I am going. I am walking in cirlces trying to get somewhere, but I am not going anywhere and the scenery is the same. I cant get off this circle. The only way to get off is to let go, but I am holding on for dear life. Everything that I want to let go of and I should let go of I am holding on to. Every piece of pain and hurt....I am holding on to it. Why? Why cant I just let it all go. Why cant I just forget and move on in life? Why do I let all these things hold me down? Why am I so scared of being happy? What is my problem? Do I even know what happiness is? What would make me happy? What would make me truly happy? I dont even know. It feels like I have been fighting it. I see God's greatness in so many things but I am still unhappy. I still hold on to pain and hurt instead of giving it all to Him. Instead of letting Him take it all away, I try to hide it from Him. I am so scared of hurting ppl with my pain. I am so scared of making other ppl feel sad. It just seems so easy to hold onto it all and not put any of it out there to hurt other ppl. At the same time I am hurting ppl by not telling them things because they are concerned for me. It's like I cant win. Everytime I turn around, I lose. It's all one big cirlce right now. One huge circle that I am running in. No more. I want to get off. I want to let it all go. I want to be happy.

Peace.

Today is Valentine's Day. I went to the beach this morning with Larry and Cynthia (from volleyball) and some ppl that they know. It was freezing cold. I went out for like 45 minutes and came back in to practice getting up on the board but there was no way I could go back in. It hurt my back too much to feel the shock of the cold water. So me and Matt just chilled and talked. He was a cool guy, very nice. We went to Smyrna Beach. It was beautiful out there today. And they had a surf competition going. After so many hours of freezing, we decided to head back. We stopped at Subway to grab something to eat. When I got back to the dorms, Franny and Katrina were here. Franny was getting ready for her big date with Jason. Katrina was here teliing about her date with her guy. They had part of their date last night and then they were doing the dinner thing tonight. So I got to hear about their days. I hopped in the shower....nice HOT shower. After I could feel my toes again I got out and jumped in bed for a nap. I was really really tired. So, that is where I am right now. I have to go pick up Liz from her concert tonight cause of the icky rain. Then Drew wants to play volleyball, but I think he is nuts. I think I am going to just stay in. So that was my Valentine's Day. Oh yeah, Melanie came in and gave me a homemade valentine and some chocolate. She is so sweet. Hope everyone had an awesome day.

Peace.

Ok. I have a big problem. The big problem is I dont have a problem. Everyone is trying to solve something for me and I think I know exactly how I want to take care of it-----I am just going to ignore it. I am just going to pretend that it isnt there and hope that it goes away or takes care of itself. That is the only thing I know to do. I dont want ppl mad at me and I dont want anyone to feel hurt or sad. So this is the only way I know to prevent all of those things from happening. I'll just ignore it. And although I will ignore it, I have a feeling that everyone else will not. I have a feeling that everyone else will want to know about it and give me their advice when, the fact is, I dont want their advice. I am tired of getting advice because none of it seems to make the situation any better. They all tell me that I need to deal with it and see what happens. I dont want to deal with it and I am scared to death to see what happens. So----all you ppl who offered me advice: I am very grateful that you care and you want to help me but I am going to deal with it my way and I am sorry if you dont agree or dont like it. That is the way it is going to be.

Screw you Alex. I am not telling everyone what you want. :) (but it is good advice)

Peace.

I put everything inside
And I don’t know what to show
I want to give it all up
But I cant so it all just grows
It builds up inside of me
And holds on to me
And I know I can’t let it go
I look for an opening
To let this all out
But every time I think I see one
I run into all this doubt
This question in my head
Those questions that can’t be said
Those that hold me back from
Letting all this shed
Letting all these feelings go
Letting all these emotions flow
From my mind and my soul
But I don’t know what to do
So I just let it grow
So I just let it build inside my mind
Let it sit and let it remind
Me of the hurt I feel
And the pain that’s real
I let it take over and then moreover
I let it slide when you want to help
When you want to see me let all this out
But I hold back and you don’t know
That I have more than what I show
So just sit back and stop thinking about what you don’t see
You will never see, I can’t show you, and that’s just me.

Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero Name	Caffeine Boy
Super Power	Invisibility
Enemy	Martha Stewart
Mode Of Transportation	Volkswagen Beetle
Weapon	Wire Hanger
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Hehe.

Peace.

It is Saturday!! Woo hoo!! Ok. I am really not that excited. Emily and Alice are here with me. They came up on Friday and as soon as they threw there stuff in my car...we were off to Gainesville. We got there kind of late. Then me and Lena and her crew went over to UF to Gator Night and watched Elf. Pretty funny movie. After that we went to the Marble Slab. Since I am dieting, I didn't eat any. Then they wanted to rent a movie. So we went and rented a movie called Love Stinks. I was soooo tired. I hung in there and made it through the movie. It had some funny parts but it was mainly stupid. The whole time I was out and about, Emily and Alice were at Lena's apartment sleeping. So we walk in at 3am, go to bed at 3:30am, and then wake up at 6:30am to make sure Emily and Alice get to the ACT on time. Then we did some other stuff while we were waiting for them to get done with their test. Lena's parents came too. It was good to see them. They are really nice. Then we went and got the two brats and went over to the mall. Then as soon as we got back, we grabbed our stuff and headed out on the road back to good 'ole Orlando. It was such a long drive and I was so tired. I was thinking about alot of stuff though. When I think about stuff like that, it isn't usually good. So we finally get to Orlando and pass it to go to Winter Park. I went and saw Franny sing and stuff. Then it was finally back to UCF. I told Emily and Alice they could play volleyball with the rest of the crew. They seemed to be fine with that at first and I was happy cause I was going to bed. But then as it got closer to time to go downstairs they decided that I had to go and that they would not go unless I went. Sooooo....I had to go and play volleyball. It was 48 degrees outside; my toes were frozen solid. It was fun as usual. We had some new ppl. Jason and Kenny's friends joined us. They are wacky crazy. LOL. It was cool to meet them. Now I see why Jason is so fun to hang out with...his friends are the same way, but maybe on a level or two higher. They are really crazy. Now we are just hanging out in my room. Me and my sisters and Alex. My sisters are the best. They are so much fun to hang out with. I am glad that I got to spend the weekend with them. Hmm. I think that is about all.

Peace.

This is all I have to say right now....

I HATE MY LIFE


Peace.

*If God chooses to close the door that you are hoping to stay open, the He must have something better for you. Keep that in mind. Muah*

So yesterday was a very crappy day...well the first part of it anyway. I didn't go to bed until very late Wed night and ended sleeping through my stats class. I just totally did not wake up. So when I did eventually wake up I went downstairs and did the 4 loads of laundry that needed to be done. I hate laundry...so that did not make my day any better. I just felt like crap all day. Nothing really seemed to matter, I didn't seem to really care about anything, I didn't want to do anything, and I think I just wanted someone to hug me. I just wanted someone to tell me that everything around me that is falliing part was going to be ok. Everything that I couldn't fix was going to be fine. But most of all I just needed a hug. I eventually did some stats homework which, by the way, didn't help my day...but it needed to be done. Then I went to see Kenny at work...you know make his day a little brighter...ha. Then I had to run to my volleyball game. The team that we were supposed to play didn't have enough players so they had to forfeit which means that we play again Sunday night. I have a feeling that Sunday night will be our last game. I am so optimistic huh? We have to play at 10pm!! Ugh. So I stayed at the gym for a little while and our team played a fun game of volleyball against another team. It was fun but it got old quick. The guys on the other team were just messing around and it wasn't really that fun. So after leaving the gym I came back to go to Cowboys. We took Lauren for her birthday. It was ok. None of us really seemed to be in the mood. I saw Nehi, Alisha, Autumn, Cynthia, Eric, and Morris so that was nice. We headed back kind of early and I dropped them off and ran to Wal-Mart. Ok so I didn't "run," I drove but you know what I meant. Then I came back and sat in my room. Then I went for a walk and Kenny decided he needed to come. ;) It was actually nice to walk with someone and talk rather than just walking alone. When I finally came back to the room I wasn't tired. It was kind of weird. I had had such a long day. So I got a shower (since I smelled like smoke from the club) and layed in bed for awhile. I eventually fell asleep and had a crazy dream...I will spare you the details. Yeah, so now it is today. I went to philosophy class and listened to a man convince me to be Vegan. He made me feel really bad about me and my family, REALLY bad. So now I am not in the greatest of moods. I still have chemistry to go to...and I don't really want to go. Then my sisters are getting here about 5:30pm and we are headed off to Gainsville. That should be really fun. I get to stay with my best friend from high school. That should put me in a better mood...I hope. I will be back on Saturday sometime. Probably the late afternoon. I gotta go to stupid chemistry now.

Peace.

*If God chooses to close this door that you are hoping will stay open, then He must have something so much better waiting for you. It's hard to look at it that way now but you know that is true...just keep that in mind. Muah*

I pulled an all nighter last night. Me and Drew stayed up all night...until like 3am studying for our philosophy test. And then I woke up at 7:30am to look over my notes and get ready for class. So I went to class and I took the test and I think I did fairly well. So my day was going ok. Then I had to go to stupid chemistry. Yeah that ruined my whole day. I got my test score back....63%. Ouch. So Liz is my new found tutor. Then I get back to my room and I am completely and totally ready for a well deserved nap...but no. Mr. Kenny just had to send me a message. And he just had to have me walk with him to the breezeway. So I go downstairs and I am complaining cause I should have been asleep at that very moment and he pulls the "if you really want to go to sleep" line. Yeah right. I was already downstairs, I was not going to turn around and go back up the stairs. He is such a punk. Then me and Alex went to youth group with Ethan. It was too crazy for me. LOL. The kids were so..umm...energetic. They were bouncing off the walls. It was cool though. I hope tomorrow is a better day than today. I think I am going to go for a walk tonight. I need to go for a walk and think. That is all I have for today.

Peace.

Mmk. It's Tuesday. I had statistics in the morning and then Billy asked me to go to lunch with him. So we went to the stand between the breezeway and the student union. I had never been there before and it was pretty good. Then I came back to the room and took care of some stuff that needed done. Then I got to talking to good 'ole Jason. After that I went downstairs to fight him...actually I went to help Lauren take her laundry to the washers. But Jason was waiting downstairs to fight so he came along with us. We even stole a heart from our thrid floor pod to give him. Me and Alex went to Bible Study tonight. Then we had to hurry home for One Tree Hill. Isn't that horrible? We ran out the door and to the car so we could drive back to our dorms to see a tv show. Wow. I have a philosophy test tomorrow so after the show I got to go and study for that. I hope I do well on it. I seem to be doing crappy in all of my classes so far. I don't know what happened to me. I used to think that grades were everything. I could talk any teacher into giving me an A because I cared so much. Now I would just rather sit in my room and listen to my friends or play my guitar. Grades are still important, but they have seemed to drop to another level. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Hmmm. I guess that is something to ponder.

Peace.

*Just thought I would tell you how amazingly gorgeous you are. And then maybe add how stunning, intelligent, muscular, hilariously funny, charming, and cute you are. You know...all that good stuff. Now the whole world knows...too bad they can't experience it.*

What a weekend. Here are the reviews.

Alex: "I only did it for your mom, not your sister."
Lauren: "I am never coming to your house again!"
Liz: "I thoroughly enjoyed myself!"

Yeah so here is the deal. The four of us went to my house for the weekend. We helped serve at Highlands Little Theatre. We did two nights...5pm til about 11pm. I thought the girls were going to kill me. I think Lauren might have threatened to. My mom really needed the help. They were raising money for the senior class...my sister Emily is a senior. So my mom was very grateful. Matt even came and helped us on Saturday night. It was so cool to hang out with him. I love him so much. I think about him alot and worry about him alot. He's 21...and I just can't help it. I know he is a big boy...I know he is old enough to take care of himself but pain and hurt and disappointment can make you do stupid things. And I like to tell him that I am here for him and that I will always love him no matter what. (For those of you who don't know who Matt is...he is my cousin but we call him our brother...and we are very, very close to each other...any guy that is ever interested in dating me has to get through him first...so good luck!)

Then today we drove back and Matt was up here getting some work done. I called to tell him that I was leaving Avon Park and stuff. He said that they were going out to dinner and asked me to come. So me, Matt, Nehi, Autumn, and Alisha all went to TGI Fridays. It was really nice. The guys paid for everything...but I hate that so I talked them into letting me leave the tip. LOL...it was the most they would let me do. Matt gave the waitress a hard time, but she told us that our table was "refreshing."

Peace.

*oh yeah. still thinking of a name or something*